One of the most rewarding parts of being a leader is developing your team, and feedback is the tool that makes genuine growth possible. Yet, giving honest feedback can be challenging. Leaders commonly avoid giving feedback because they’re worried they’ll hurt an employee’s feelings or the relationship they share.
The problem is that when feedback is withheld, it leaves issues unchecked. It allows small issues to become significant problems, leaving employees wondering where they stand and what the standards are. Overall, not giving feedback creates confusion, which stifles team growth and diminishes trust.
But giving feedback doesn’t have to be a blunt and painful event. The truth is, when delivered intentionally with care and respect, feedback can be both kind and constructive.
The key is emotional intelligence (EI), which helps leaders balance honesty with empathy. By leveraging EI, you can transform feedback from a source of anxiety into a catalyst for deeper growth and connection.
Emotional intelligence encompasses the social and emotional skills that allow us to understand and manage our own emotions while also recognizing, understanding and tuning into the feelings of others. In the context of a difficult conversation, it’s what enables a leader to deliver constructive criticism both honestly and empathetically, creating a positive outcome where employees feel motivated to improve.
Leaders can develop the ability to deliver feedback compassionately and truthfully by sharpening the following emotional intelligence (EI) skills:
Self-regulation is the ability to manage your impulses and emotions. This skill is important because a leader’s personal frustration or stress can easily derail a feedback conversation. Self-regulation allows you to pause and process those feelings, ensuring the feedback you deliver is objective and focused on development.
Developing self-regulation skills can be invaluable to leaders who consider themselves “people pleasers” because it helps them cope with the discomfort they might feel while giving feedback. According to psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, Ph.D., one way to break free of the people-pleasing cycle is to pause and identify your feelings when anxiety starts to rise. This pause can disrupt the urge to please someone while giving feedback and allow you to reconnect with the purpose and goal of the conversation.
Empathy is the skill of understanding and sharing the feelings of another person. It allows you to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel from their unique perspective.
By considering the employee’s perspective, you can frame your message in a way that feels supportive, not accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You missed the deadline,” an empathetic approach would be, “I know you’ve been juggling multiple projects, so let’s talk about what happened with the deadline for the Q3 report.”
Leading the conversation with empathy preserves the employee’s dignity and shows you see them as a whole person, not just a performer. This approach makes them far more receptive to the feedback itself.
When you listen actively, you fully concentrate on what’s being said. You make an effort to understand the message and respond thoughtfully, rather than simply waiting for a turn to talk.
Actively listening to an employee’s response turns what could be a one-way monologue into a collaborative dialogue. For example, when you say something like, “I noticed we missed the deadline this week. Can you walk me through your process?” you invite a conversation. This ensures the employees feel heard and respected. It can also uncover critical information about their performance needs that you may miss otherwise.
This skill involves paying close attention to nonverbal signals like facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. Reading these cues allows you to understand how your message is landing. You can then adjust your approach accordingly.
If you notice an employee crossing their arms, for example, that may be a sign they’re becoming defensive. This would be a good time to pause and offer reassurance, such as reiterating that you want to help them grow.
In a psychologically safe environment, there’s a shared belief that it’s safe to take interpersonal risks. In other words, psychological safety allows employees to feel secure admitting a mistake, asking questions and sharing ideas.
A leader can create psychological safety by modeling vulnerability, responding to mistakes with curiosity instead of anger, and thanking team members for bringing up tough issues. This builds trust, the foundation of psychological safety. It also empowers employees to express themselves and share their own perspectives honestly, creating a two-way street for communication and paving the way for productive feedback conversations.
Objectivity is the practice of grounding feedback in observable facts and specific examples, rather than subjective opinions or personal judgments. This makes the feedback feel fair and, most importantly, actionable because it allows leaders to define a specific problem that can be solved. An objective approach focuses the conversation on the work itself, not the person’s character, which prevents employees from feeling personally attacked.
Developing EI skills requires practice. The following steps help you build those skills, so you can deliver feedback with intention and care, turning potentially difficult moments into powerful opportunities for mentorship and growth.
Never deliver constructive feedback in a public space. Privacy is critical for not only prevent any sense of public embarrassment, which immediately puts a person on the defensive, but also for creating an emotionally safe environment, where the individual can engage with feedback openly without fear of judgment. Choosing a private, calming setting, such as a quiet conference room, office with a closed door or a one-on-one video call, demonstrates respect for the employee and creates an atmosphere where they can feel safe engaging in what may be a tough conversation.
The best way to start a difficult conversation is on a positive note. This step is about genuinely acknowledging the employee’s value to the team. Start by affirming their positive contributions and your confidence in them. This makes a person feel secure because it confirms their value to the team is not in question. When a person feels secure, they are more likely to remain open to a difficult conversation.
Ambiguity is the opposite of helpful because it forces employees to guess what needs to change, causing stress and inaction. To be kind, you must be clear. As researcher Brené Brown famously states, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Instead of vague statements, use specific, observable examples. For example, you might say, “I noticed you didn’t speak up during the meeting yesterday. I need you to share your data insights because they are valuable.” This level of clarity empowers the employee with a path forward and builds their trust in you as a leader.
After you have clearly and kindly stated your observation, pause and invite the employee into the conversation. Ask open-ended questions, or those that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” to understand their perspective.
You might ask, “What challenges did you face with that project?”, or “How did you feel about the outcome?” This demonstrates that you value their intelligence and perspective, and it turns a monologue into a respectful partnership.
This step is crucial for moving toward a shared focus on future success. Rather than imposing a solution, get the employee involved from the start. Try asking, “What ideas do you have for moving forward?” or “What support do you need from me to achieve this?”
When employees co-author their own development plan, they are more likely to be engaged and motivated to follow through. According to Gallup, employees who work with leaders to set goals are 3.6 times more likely than other employees to be engaged.
After giving feedback and devising a plan together, it’s vital to reaffirm your belief in the team member. This again communicates that you are critiquing a specific action, not them as a person. It allows them to leave the conversation feeling supported rather than judged, which is essential for maintaining psychological safety.
You can say, “I shared this with you because I know you can master this,” or reference a past success, such as, “I saw how you handled that challenge last quarter, and I know you can apply that same focus here.” Expressing this confidence reinforces their sense of competence and encourages them to invest in their own growth.
Feedback is not a one-time event because development is ongoing. Explain that you’ll check in on the employee’s progress to offer support, and then do so regularly. Giving frequent feedback demonstrates your commitment to their growth and provides accountability for both the employee to implement changes and for you as a leader to provide the promised support.
By practicing these steps regularly, the process becomes a normal and expected habit. This consistency helps you feel more comfortable and confident in delivering feedback, turning it into a powerful tool for building trust and driving performance.
Honest feedback does not have to damage trust or hurt relationships. With an empathetic approach, it can actually strengthen both. By harnessing emotional intelligence, you can build the essential bridge between honesty and empathy that defines great leadership.
That said, reading about EI skills is only the first step. Mastering these skills requires dedicated practice and guidance.
At The Center for Leadership Studies (CLS), we offer the Leading With Emotional Intelligence course to help leaders develop the self-awareness and regulation skills necessary to navigate feedback conversations. Equip yourself with the tools to be both clear and kind. Contact us today to learn more about bringing Leading With Emotional Intelligence to your organization.
