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Today, about 48% of adult Americans identify as people-pleasers who have difficulty saying “no” and avoid conflict often. Even though kindness is celebrated almost everywhere, being too nice can have drawbacks in the workplace. Employees need a direct, decisive leader who can confidently implement changes and hold individuals accountable. When leaders prioritize their likability instead of their responsibilities, they risk losing authority and trust with their team.
Learn how to swap natural, people-pleasing tendencies with effective leadership skills.
Unlike previous generations, emotional intelligence, empathy and approachability are highly encouraged leadership skills today, and rightly so. Few leaders want to be seen as difficult, rude and harsh. While this desire to be perceived as “nice” has fueled meaningful progress in how teams experience the workplace today, it can easily shift from being a byproduct of effective leadership into the goal itself. When approval takes priority over outcomes, leadership effectiveness is swiftly yet quietly undermined, as short-term harmony is traded in for long-term dysfunction.
There are a few tell-tale signs that a leader cares more about being liked than being effective. They may dodge tough conversations, hesitate to hold others accountable or soften feedback until it loses all meaning. But worst of all, they tend to confuse engagement with success. Engagement is all about how people feel at work, while success reflects whether the work is actually delivering results. Strong leaders care about (and invest in) both, but they will not sacrifice performance or lower their standards for the sake of harmony. However, when the main motivator for a leader is comfort instead of results, expectations can blur, decisions can stall and responsibility can fade, causing a ripple effect of inefficiency and disruption that can spread like wildfire throughout the entire organization.
The trap of being liked is an easy one to fall into, especially for well-intentioned leaders who sincerely care about their team and the impact they have on them. But it’s important to remember that, while focusing on being liked may feel safe and comfortable in the moment, it doesn’t eliminate risk. In fact, it multiplies it. Whatever discomfort leaders avoid today will ultimately become the risks they have to manage tomorrow, if they can.
The cost of hyper-fixating on being “liked” is often invisible at first. Leaders slowly start to lose credibility, high performers become disengaged and teams are forced to figure out how to manage themselves to fill unspoken gaps.
Here are some of the major things leaders lose while trying too hard to be liked:
The most respected and effective leaders aren’t universally loved. They’re trusted to make hard calls, hold the line and protect the work, all while still treating their people with humanity and empathy. Effective leadership doesn’t have to be cold-hearted, just intentional.
If you’ve noticed some people-pleasing behaviors in your leadership approach, know that course-correcting doesn’t mean you have to suddenly become harsh or overbearing. It simply requires you to balance care with conviction. Use the following tips to help guide your mindset shift to be a more direct leader who:
Reflect on what’s essential for your well-being and effectiveness as a leader. Use your self-awareness to define your limits and needs, then communicate these boundaries to your team with direct statements.
Mention when you’re available to answer questions, provide resources and offer support. Explain your involvement and what you expect from others during specialized meetings or projects.
Define your fundamental values, or the standards that shape your identity and what you stand for. These core principles provide a framework for making decisions and taking action. When followed, core principles can foster trust, integrity and consistency.
Companies often outline their values and objectives in their mission statement. Before you respond to a situation, ask: Does my initial reaction align with my personal and organization’s core principles? If not, decide how to respond in a purposeful way that contributes to work-related goals.
Encourage open, constructive dialogue to create a psychologically safe workplace. Admit when you make mistakes and accept constructive criticism to show your commitment to personal growth. When your team sees you’re willing to be vulnerable and receive honest feedback, they’ll be more willing to do the same.
When you provide feedback on an individual’s performance, focus on observable actions and concrete examples. Ask for their perspective and give them a moment to reflect. Agree on a strategy to see improvements or accomplish a goal. Schedule regular check-ins to discuss their progress and adjust the plan if needed.
Leadership starts with your motivation. What drives you? And how do you want to support your team? You don’t have to experience the high price of being “nice” and trying to be liked. Instead, it is possible to be both empathetic and effective.
Leaders who avoid approval-seeking traits can adapt their approach to meet their employees’ needs and build influence with long-term trust. The Center for Leadership Studies (CLS) offers a Situational Leadership® Essentials course to help leaders enhance their communication skills and overcome unique challenges.
Speak with our experts to learn more about our course and sign up today.
